Jeremy has been busy since our second date last week. I am trying very hard not to stress about it since it is the holidays and most everyone has family obligations to tend to, me included. But you would think the guy could at least spare a night to watch a movie, or grab dinner or SOMETHING! We have played phone tag for over a week now. Ugh! I made a snide comment to Judy the other day about it before I could stop myself and I just know she is going to tell him about it.

Brett and I had lunch today and he invited me to his place for a party on New Year's Eve. I accepted of course and now I have no idea if I have a date for it or not. So, naturally, this is all I can think about and I am driving myself crazy obsessing over it. I talked to Vic on the phone about it briefly but he has his own drama right that far outweighs anything I could come up with.

Pardon me while I bang my head on something hard.

Christmas was nice though.

Jeremy and I had dinner on Wednesday. He took me to this place called Blue Point and then to see Brokeback Mountain. I suspect that Judy told him I was a sucker for a sappy movie and I plan to scold her for that at great length on Monday. I was a complete wreck when we left the theater and Jeremy suggested we stop off at Cafe Intermezzo for dessert and coffee so I could cheer up a bit. I felt like a tool. But anyway, we had a marvelous time and I was so whipped up into a romantic frenzy that I think I may have come on a bit strong. At least he kissed me good night. That is a good sign, right?

Jeremy was nice, and cute and a complete gentleman. He's a tad older and has been single for a long while. We are going to have dinner again sometime this coming week. I can't decide how I feel about this just yet.

I have a date tomorrow night with this guy Judy thinks will be perfect for me. She told me if I didn't go out with him she'd fire me. I hope she was kidding.

I loathe blind dates.

It doesn't look like I will be going home for Thanksgiving this year. Mom is upset, but it can't be helped. She is talking to Dad about possibly coming here instead. I told her not to stress about it since most of our family is scattered around the country. Now that Grandma Myra is dead I am the only one of us in the South.

Alone.

I am sensing a theme here.

I relate a bit too much to this show. When it began I was immediately hooked because it reminded me so much of my favorites shows from my childhood, Dallas and Knots Landing. I love the melodrama and the secrets and the cattiness. It has yet to hold a candle to a drunk SuEllen stumbling around Southfork sloshing Scotch all over the upholstery but it is darn close and who knows, the show is still in its' infancy. But then I started to see myself in one of the characters. I could relate too closely to someone whom I really should not want to relate to. I bet it is not who you would think either.

George.

Yes, George Williams, the creepy obsessed pharmacist. The one who covets elegant Bree Van De Kamp in all of her Donna Reedish W.A.S.Py perfection. The more I watched him scheme his way into Bree's life the more I realized that given the courage and the disregard for all that is moral and legal I would most likely do the same to a certain co-worker. Any guesses?

Brett. (for some backstory please read this post from a while back) For the record that is not his real name.

( Secrets of Wisteria Lane )

A buddy of mine took me to see The Exorcism of Emily Rose tonight. I had read a little about it but honestly did not have high hopes for it. On the surface it looked like another Exorcist clone and let's be honest...Linda Blair can't be beat.

THIS MOVIE SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME

Laura Linney was amazing as usual, but that girl playing Emily will haunt my dreams for months to come. I was very impressed and doubt very much I will sleep at all tonight.

I heard Josh (my neighbor) come in a few minutes ago. He scares me a little. I have always been attracted to the bad boy though, well...at least secretly I always have been. As bad as I felt about what we were doing a while back now it doesn't bother me so much. I think it is helping me get past a lot of issues I have. Dare I say it is theraputic? I was tempted to walk over just now but decided against it. I'm sure I'll see him this weekend.

The situation on the Gulf coast just makes me nauseous. The situation online is even worse. I have never seen more hatred and venom spewed at people. It saddens me to think that the most people can think of to do is get online and blame Bush for what happened down there. He certainly does shoulder some of the blame but not all of it. Many people dropped the ball before he did. We need to get off our asses and help instead of dancing around and pointing. It's very easy to assign blame, change the channel and then forget about it. I mean how dare it interfere with our Lost reruns, or Insert Reality Show Title Here.

It makes me sick. I suppose my perspective is skewed by the fact that I know someone directly affected. Vic, you are in my prayers.

Today is Eric's birthday. He is 33. I miss him terribly.

I wonder sometimes what it was in my past that made me so co-dependent. I recognized that our relationship was unhealthy. I had been unhappy for a couple of years before I finally got up the nerve to walk out. He was emotionally abusive and an alcoholic, but I loved him. The good times were fantastic and for years I told myself that they far outweighed the bad. My friends worried about me but I assured them I was fine. I thought if I could just be what he wanted, just be perfect, that he wouldn't drink any more. Why couldn't I be that?

Against my better judgment I drug out some old photos today. He still takes my breath away and I wonder if I will ever be able to let go of him. If he walked through the door right now I'd grab him and not let go. Why do I care so much about a man that caused me so much pain. Do I seek it out? Is it because my father was emotionally abusive? Is this why I let myself be a sex object to a man that I neither care about nor want to even know better?

It would be very easy to blame my father for this. But at the end of the day I am responsible for my own destiny and my own mental well being. Maybe I could blame him ten years ago. Now it's all on my shoulders. I have to break free.

One of my coworkers just found out that her nephew was injured in Iraq. His is some sort of scout, sent ahead to secure an area for passage by a convoy. A bomb exploded nearby. He is now deaf in one ear and has several pieces of shrapnel embedded in his legs, back and chest. He will recover.

He is fighting to stay there, to keep fighting. He is 19

And all the news can talk about is that the Catholics have a new Pope.

I am ashamed of myself. I turning into one of "them". I don't want to be one of those gay people who sleeps around just for the sake of sleeping around but the lure of it is overwhelming. And it is so easy. No emotional baggage, well...except my own.

It felt good...until I stopped and thought about it.

Thank goodness for sunny days. It has been nearly impossible to get my apartment warm at night. The thermostat claims it hovers around 75 but it feels like 60. It is colder in my bedroom and anywhere else though. I actually slept on the sofa last night watching the Seinfeld dvds. I called the leasing office today and they are going to have someone check it out today. I bet the heating coil is bad.

It has been quiet at work lately. Everyone seems busy and preoccupied. Lisa has barely said two words in the past three weeks and Brett commented today that I looked like I hadn't slept in as long. I dream too much now, or rather I remember them more often. Must be the cold. I'm not used to the cold.

I have been in Atlanta for seven months now and I still feel unsettled. Half of my life is still in boxes and I only have a handful of people I would dare call my friends. I have got to figure out how to let go or this isn't going to work.

I don't have a problem with Valentine's Day really. Far be it for me to criticize how people choose to acknowledge this faux holiday. When Eric and I were together it was just another day. We did exchange cards, but that was about it. We expressed our love every day. Some people don't. To each his own. However, the notion that someone could be penalized for forgetting to buy a card or some flowers or whatever on this particular day is just silly. Then again, I am single and alone this time so my views on this Day of Love and Cuddliness could be a bit skewed.

*reminds self not to go out to dinner tonight*

I'm a big fan of Mr. Wilde, but come on. Does he really need an action figure? Doesn't it cheapen the whole thing a bit? I can see it now...kids playing with their Wilde, CS Lewis and Tolkein action figures and Oxford University playset.

In other news I am getting all amped up for the Oscars. I think I might have a viewing party and invite some of the neighbors that I see wandering the halls but have never really had any meaningful exchanges with. We used to have big lavish Oscar parties back in Los Angeles, but then again people there get nuts about them for obvious reasons.

Not much else is going on. Work is picking up and I have been spending a lot more time at the office lately. I rented Vanity Fair last night and loved it! I have no idea why that film didn't do any better than it did. I also picked up a book on the recommendation of a friend called House of Leaves. It is very strange to put it mildly.

Life moves on.

What does it mean when you have writer's block concerning your own life? I have started 3 or 4 posts in the past week and erased all of them. I realized suddenly what it was. I felt like I was writing for an audience and not for myself. I caught myself wondering if a certain days' events were worthy of posting. Would my readers be bored or even care? Is this the very nature of a weblog?

I'm not writing fiction folks. This is life. Why do I feel it must be exciting?

Wow, I can't believe that I rambled on about Brett like that last week. What was I thinking? With my luck he will find this journal and be totally embarassed. I should search his email and make sure he doesn't already have a Livejournal. Then again, I would love to read it if he did. I sound like a stalker.

My weekend was nice. The friends and I went out to eat at Agnes & Muriels. I had seen it several times while piddling around midtown but was not sure what sort of food they served. Let me just say that I was loving their turkey meatloaf and the Barbie decor was the best. It is the perfect little place for gay-town and I see myself there often. I hear they have desserts to die for. After dinner we met back at Chris' place to watch "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". What a wonderful movie that was! I have a new respect for Jim Carrey now. Very impressive. It was a nice time, cheered me up a bit. I have been fighting off this funk for a week or so. I don't know if it is withdrawl from my fantastic vacation in Seatlle or just the mulligrubs. Perhaps it is just lonliness. I do have some friends but as a rule I sit home every night. I know I have only been in this city a few short months so I shouldn't expect to have a whirlwind social life. I just find myself in a void when I am at home alone. The apartment seems oppressive and heavy. Ugh, I don't know what I am going on about. Pay me no mind.

Long week ahead.

Everytime I go to post something it feels trivial. Do I really need to document my day at work? Every day is pretty much the same there. I think that my favorite hygenically challenged co-worker might be about to quit. He seems out of sorts lately and his stress levels have been higher than normal. He confessed to me in the break room yesterday that he does not feel he fits in here, that he is an outsider. While fighting the urge to spray him down with Febreeze I told him that not all jobs are a good fit and if he felt that way then perhaps he should consider a change. He seemed to agree, or at least agreed to consider it. I don't think anyone should remain in a job where they find themselve miserable on a daily basis. It is not good for the soul.

He left and I lingered for a bit, sipping my Diet Coke and watching CNN on the television. I heard someone come in the room and knew immediately that the object of a rather unhealthy crush I have been nursing had arrived. He wears Black by Kenneth Cole and I always know when he is near. It is my new favorite smell.

Brett

Back in August when I first started work here I was taken around to meet everyone on the floor. I remember thinking that this company had an unusually high number of very attractive people working for it and wondered if maybe I had stumbled onto the set of a new reality show. We made the rounds and then Lisa, my new boss, led me over to where I would be sitting. On the way a man emerged from a conference room that literally took my breath away. Brett Stone. He stopped and smiled at me. Lisa introduced us and we chatted for a few minutes. He was also in marketing and would be working closely with me.

Brett is a sight to behold. If I were to guess I would put his age at 28, maybe 29. He is a bit shorter than I am and obviously works out regularly. He likes wearing jeans and black shoes. His brown hair is always just a bit unkempt. He has one of those faces that looks like it was carved from marble, each feature perfect and symetrical. If I were to design a man for myself, Brett would be that man. Naturally I assumed that a man that gorgeous had to have some flaws and I made a point to try and notice each one. The worst I can say about him after working with him for almost five months is that he is secretive about his personal life. Brett is a man of many secrets.

I do know his is newly married. His wife, a woman whose name I forget and whose existence I despise, came to take him to lunch not long ago. She was pretty enough and carried herself very well. She is obviously very intelligent. It is a little off-putting actually. I overheard her talking to Judy about the state of television in America and how upset she was about it. It became clear that this was not a woman who tolerated opposing opinions. She did seem wrong for Brett, to me at least. A man of his stellar genes deserved someone at least as awe inspiring and not quite so...arrogant. Still, she seemed like a nice woman and he obvioulsy adored her. I also know he majored in English and has an unfinished novel squirreled away. This intrigues me and I am constantly fighting the urge to talk to him about it. I want to read what he has written. I want to get into his head, among other things.

I obsess over Brett more feverishly than I have ever obsessed over anyone. I spent the better part of a meeting once watching his lips move and wondering what they would feel like against mine. It is very distracting and unhealthy. I need to start dating someone soon otherwise I might make a fool of myself. Pining over straight men is not something I like to find myself doing.

Well that was a lot of information that no one needed to see now wasn't it.

Today is about reaching out. I added some people to my Friend's List based on some searches I did on common interests. We'll see where it leads. If you came here due to this reason, I promise I am not creepy.

Just a bit shy.

:-)

I love Seattle.

There is so much to say about the trip and I really don't feel compelled to document it all here for some reason. I have tons of pictures and memories of family I had not seen in decades. I still have to ask myself why I didn't move there instead. Eh, I'll never know what would have been different. Regardless, the trip rejuvenated me and I feel ready to conquer the world.

My new year's resolution is to get out of this hole I am in and meet some people. I think my friends are tiring of me!

I have not had two seconds to post anything here lately. No one reads but me so I don't know why I feel like I have to justify it. Eh nevermind.

I asked strange neighbor about Thanksgiving and whether he saw anything out of the ordinary while I was gone. He did mention noticing a man hanging around out front randomly for a couple days but just assumed he was visiting someone in the building. I didn't tell him why I asked. He seemed almost happy today. I've never seen the boy smile but today he was. He seemed very amused by something. Maybe he has a boyfriend or something.

I will be in Seattle from the 15th until after New Year's. Should be interesting to say the least. I won't have to worry about running into Eric though, and that is a blessing.